I’m busy editing a collection of short stories right now, so I decided to post a book review from January of this year instead of writing something new. This is a fun, little gem of a novella, not to be taken too seriously.
Meet Agatha, a blood thirsty vampire stuck forever in the body of a teenager.
Agatha’s favourite hunting ground is the brightly-lit interior of McDonald’s. Flashing lots of flesh, she finds easy and willing prey. Her preference is a male virgin, and so she dresses in the manner she thinks will most entice one, i.e. a little, teenage tramp. Agatha is not without heart however and always gives her victims pleasure before she feeds. Hey, I’m sure there are quite a few guys out there who would happily receive oral sex in exchange for their blood. In short, Agatha is brazen. She lives in the old graveyard, and her best friend is her neighbour, Mr. Fipps, who speaks through rhyme. I developed a fondness for Mr. Fipps as the story progressed, despite his annoying manner of communication.
There are lots of instances of “tits” and “fuck you”, too many for my taste, but I did laugh out loud at “Fuck You Marvin”. Keep in mind this language comes from a teenage boy, Reggie (mostly) who likes to spend his days watching porn, eating Pringles and masturbating. Too much information! Reggies’ mom is an alcoholic and he’s left to hang out with his gang called ‘the Wasters’. Like many before him, he is quickly enthralled by Agatha’s beautiful body. Will Agatha go for the kill, or will Reggie live to tell his gang another tale?
I finished this story in one sitting. It’s easy to read and very well written, but I would have liked to learn more about Agatha and how she survived the past 300 years. Wouldn’t her presence in small town suburbia be noticed? Why did she remain in her hometown of Eatensville, a dump by all accounts? One majorly creepy element was Agatha’s seduction of a 15 year old girl who she describes as a “savage tart”, killing her after sex and leaving her body with her teddy bears. Agatha was 15 years old when she was turned some three centuries years ago, so is this meant to make the fake relationship okay? She then seduces a married man who’s married to a “bitch” (Agatha’s word, not mine). He believes her to be no more than 15 or 16, yet her age doesn’t seem to bother him at all.
This novella is well written, creepy in places and overall funny and entertaining. In a literary world filled with deep, brooding, male vampires, Haines’ tale was a welcome change.
The best thing about My Take Away Vampire is that it made me laugh, which is always a good thing. *** The cover has changed, and I have to admit I much prefer the original (below)😦 It had a retro, 80s sort of Saved by the Bell with vampires feel to it. It suited the humour in the story.
Check it out on Amazon HERE
Does it sound like fun, or are you a little wary?