Forever teenage vampire Agatha’s favourite hunting ground is the brightly-lit interior of McDonald’s. Flashing lots of flesh, she finds easy and willing prey; her preference is male virgins and so she dresses in the manner she thinks will most entice them, i.e. a little teenage tramp. Agatha is not without heart however and always gives them pleasure before she feeds. Hey, I’m sure there are quite a few guys out there who would happily receive oral sex in exchange for their blood. In short, Agatha is brazen. She lives in the old graveyard and her best friend is her neighbour Mr. Fipps who speaks through rhyme. I developed a fondness for Mr. Fipps as the story progressed despite his annoying manner of communication.
There are lots of instances of “tits” and “fuck you”, too many for my taste but I did laugh out loud at “Fuck You Marvin”. Keep in mind that this language comes from a teenage boy Reggie (mostly) who likes to spend his days watching porn, eating Pringles and masturbating. Too much information! Reggies’ mom is an alcoholic and he’s left to hang out with his gang called ‘the Wasters’. Like many before him he is quickly enthralled by Agatha’s beautiful body. Will Agatha go for the kill or will Reggie live to tell his gang another tale?
I finished this story in one sitting; it’s easy to read and very well written but I would have liked to learn more about Agatha and how she survived the past 300 years. Wouldn’t her presence in small town suburbia be noticed? Why did she remain in her hometown of Eatensville, a dump by all accounts? One majorly creepy element was Agatha’s seduction of a 15 year old girl who she describes as a “savage tart”, killing her after sex and leaving her body with her teddy bears. Agatha was 15 years old when she was turned some three centuries years ago so is this meant to make the fake relationship ok? She then seduces a married man who’s married to a “bitch” (Agatha’s word, not mine). He believes her to be no more than 15 or 16 and yet her age doesn’t seem to bother him at all.
This novella is well written, creepy in places and overall funny and entertaining. In a literary world filled with deep, brooding male vampires, Haines’ tale was a welcome change.
The best thing about My Take Away Vampire is that it made me laugh, which is always a good thing. ***
Check it out on Amazon HERE